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The · Bones · of · It

My journey to thin.

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Binged. Fuck my life. I feel so sick. Definitely had over 2000 for the day. I hate myself. I'm not eating much tomorrow. That's all there is to it. I pray I'm not over 115 tomorrow. I will be. I hate this cycle. I hate this complete self obsession slash abuse. I would do anything to be thin,
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114 pounds this morning. I see absolutely no difference. My mom says I'm skinnier. Greg says I'm skinnier. When i saw Jimmy a month ago he said I was skinnier. But when I saw him this weekend ( which is a whoooolllle nother can of worms ) he said that I look the same. Idk what to think. When he told me I was skinny last time he saw me he said that he didn't like telling me that because he didn't want me to think it was a good thing. Which is a valid point. But this time he just said that I look the same. What does that mean?? However, I feel like I do look the same as well. With the exception of being able to see it a little bit in my wrists, and maybe a tiny bit in my legs and stomach. Idk, I want to lose more, but I take so much comfort in eating. I love love love to eat. It's terrifying how much I love to eat. Basically, I feel that I have to stay away from all food in order to not eat EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. Ugh. Lately there are certain foods I continually buy, because I feel like they're safe I suppose. They're not necessarily very low in calories or anything, I'd just say they're generally healthy, mostly form trader joes. I think that as of right now I put my daily intake at about 1500. Which is ridiculous. No wonder I don't lose. I try to eat three small meals a day ( for example, oatmeal, a smart dog with bun ketchup cheese and mustard, and something medium in size for dinner) with minimal snacking in between. I'm actually eating a healthy amount I believe. Which I guess is an improvement because before I just ate and ate and ate out of boredom and emotions. Which is how I got up to 130 fucking pounds. I'm just not satisfied at this weight. 16 pounds down in 4 months or so? I mean, its just pitiful. I need to be more diligent about meals. I've got the get each meal under 400. That would be 1200. And then leave maybe 200 for snacks? 1400 is still such a ridiculously high number! I stay pretty active during the day, with school and work. But I have no clue how many calories I'm actually burning. Food, weight, calories. It's taking over my brain. It's all I can think about. Which is good I suppose. Less time to think about the Jimmy situation, which is what I'm calling it for now. I have to get that number lower. Lower lower lower.
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I feel like I'm drowning. In this deep deep melancholy hollow sadness. I miss Jimmy so much. We haven't spoken in over a week. And my mind just keeps directing me to thoughts of him. Is he dating her again?? Would he really do that?? The man I thought I knew seems to be so different then who he is in Chico. Was I just a distraction for him while he was here? It didn't feel like that at the time... But with so much space and silence between us, I don't know anymore. When he left, he stopped feeling the need to show me he loves me. Talking to me on the phone once a day was too much for him; that was too demanding for him. What does that say about the kind of person he is? That it was so easy for him to forget about me as soon as he left. I'm having such a hard time not calling or texting him. I wonder if he thinks about me... But I suppose the bottom line is that it doesn't matter. It's over. What will calling him accomplish? Nothing. We aren't getting back together. As much as I want to, were going different directions in life. He was my first real mature, adult relationship. I'm so in love with him that it hurts. He invades my dreams, and my heart, and I feel like I'm going to shatter into a million pieces. I ate two donuts this morning... Trying to drown my sorrows in fat and sugar I suppose? I'm having dinner with Katrina tonight because I'm house sitting for jimmy's pants tonight and tomorrow night. Do I like to torture myself?? Seriously. I love his family still, but I feel like I might be trying to hold onto him through them. I don't know. I'm so confused and hurt. I don't know Im going to get through this. 117 this morning. I've been waking up at 115. I've got to get down to 110. No excuses. I binged yesterday, which is why I was 117 this morning. I've clearly got to start cutting more calories. Or working out. I just have no energy.
This sadness is enveloping me.
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Hit 114.8 this morning. I was 115 yesterday morning. So I guess I hit my first goal weight. I'm stoked, but I really don't feel like I see much difference. 110 here I come. Being so sad makes it very easy to forget to eat. I'm lost. And so so empty that it's physically painful. I want to fast forward through this breakup. I have moments of extreme sadness followed by moments of relative happiness for my new found, or newly forced, independence. I just don't know anymore. I started taking an anti depressant. I'm afraid it will some how make me gain weight, even though iasked a million times and the doctor told me no more than once. I feel like I'm afraid of all food. And just sort of gliding through my days in a state of foggy sadness... I don't even know if that makes sense. Living is really exhausting right now.
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I am so lost.
Jimmy broke up with me. He said the distance is too much for him. I knew it was coming. Did I? I feel like I knew something wasn't right. I was constantly upset. Always missing him. And dwelling on the fact that he was never close enough. And if I were being honest, I would admit that recently the thought of breaking up had been running through my head quite frequently. I suppose it's good. For me, and for him. My heart feels like it's been ripped out and stomped into a million tiny pieces. He says he loves me; and wants to keep talking, though not as frequently. He broke up with me the first night the weekend he came down to visit. And then we spent the whole weekend together. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was probably hoping he would change his Monday. But the weekend came and went with no change. He called on Monday, and we talked briefly. We texted VERY briefly on Tuesday. And since then nothing. It's Thursday. And I'm obsessing. This is normal right? The worst part is knowing we would be together if we were in the same place. But the thing is... Were not. And I don't think we ever will be. So continuing to talk seems so pointless. But my heart keeps urging me to keep in contact. But is that really what's best for me? And my heart? And my sanity? What happens if he moves on first? What then? I'm already completely devastated. It's a new kind of sadness that up until this point I have been extremely fortunate to have never felt. It a deep deep sorrow. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my best friend. And the memories are the most painful. That and knowing that we can't make anymore, unless I want to be hurt. I feel like I deserve so much more than a mediocre relationship, but I also love Jimmy so much, so deeply and truly, and on so many completely separate levels. The truth is that even if we get back together, our lives are going in completely opposite directions, and the relationship would continue to be as confusing and painful as it was before we broke up.
It's funny that I never believed friends who told me it wouldn't work; that we would eventually break up because long distance is just too hard, and too painful. And it turns out they were right. Long distance IS too hard, it IS too painful. Here at home, I feel neglected when he doesn't call, when I'm always the one calling and texting him. I hate feeling desperate. I asked him " is it too much for you too call and talk to me once a day? Is that really too much to ask??" and his heartbreaking response was " yes".
I feel like I'm constantly waiting by the phone for him to call, because I don't want to be the one to contact him. I feel like if he really loves me and wants to continue contact, then he'll prove himself by calling. But I haven't heard from him and maybe that's my answer, loud and clear.
Instead of trying to hear what I want to hear, maybe I should listen to whT his actions and his words are REALLY saying. As they say...
when people show you who they are, believe them.
Lesson learned.

Today's intake:
Bagel and cream cheese :320
Coffee: 5
Cantelope: 50
Zone bar: 210
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One of those days where the future is just looking bleak. Nothing has changed though. I'm still going to school next year at one of three amazing schools. Which is all that matters. I just have days now where I feel so goddamn depressed. My life is just a constant feed of work, school, work, school. I have no friends because I'm spending all of my time at work or school. Jimmy is 3 hours away. And he's the only person that I talk to consistently. But lately I'm feeling like I'm putting more into the relationship than he is. I didn't call him when I got off of work yesterday, just to see if he would call me. By the time eleven o clock rolled around and I hadn't heard from him, I gave in and called him. Of course he answered the phone wasted. Which REALLY eases my mind. Thanks Jimmy. When I told him how upset I was he just could not understand where I was coming from. He doesn't understand what it's like for me to be home. Alone all the time. I'm so sad. And so lonely. I want to go home and cry right now. I don't want to go to my philosophy class. I just want a day to sleep and cry,and read, and eat without gaining a pound. Last night I "worked out" after work, which ended up amounting to the ten minutes that my pathetic ass should handle on the treadmill. Im going to do 15 tonight, and use some of the machines. I'm trying not to hate myself too much for being so out of shape, I just have to keep going and pushing myself.
Today's intake so far (11 am):
Oatmeal with 2 tbsp brown sugar-240
Black coffee-5
Luna bar-180
Stupid fucking chocolate bar-220

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so goddamn sad.
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It's 4 pm and I've had 2115 calories. I am fucking disgusting. I want to die. What the fuck is wrong with me. I'm such a worthless piece of shit. No food for the rest of the day, plus I'm going to work out once I get off work. I haven't worked out in so long, but what better time to start then now. I'm usually so tired after work that I just want to go home. But not today. I'm so embarrassed by that number. I would cry but lately I feel like crying is almost an impossibility for me because I know that once I start the tears won't stop. So many things could easily be cried over atm. I miss Jimmy so much, and at the same time I don't know if this long distance is going to work. It's really sinking in for me that him being far away isn't temporary. I just don't know if I can do it. I'm so lonely. I want to turn that loneliness into motivation towards perfection. Perfect perfect perfect. Such a beautiful word; such an unattainable adjective.
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I leave for Chico tomorrow after I get out of school. I'm so excited to see my man! Its been two weeks, and two weeks is a long time without your best friend! I was hoping to be down to 115, however i just stepped on the scale, and it now says 122. fuck my life. Im so disappointed with myself. However, its not like the pounds just magically implanted themselves on my hips, thighs, stomach, ass and arms. I put them there. With my stupid lack of self control; with my need to fill myself with shit when Im stressed. I stress eat. bad. Some people forget to eat when they're stressed. I, on the other hand, stuff myself. Its like I think that eating a ton of shit will keep the stress away, when in fact, I only end up more stressed out and unhappy than I was before. Take yesterday, for example. I had oatmeal for breakfast (240), plus my cup of coffee with two tablespoons of nonfat hazelnut creamer(55). I ate my pb&j(340). I ate 300 cals of pb pretzels (300). Then, on the drive home, I stopped to get gas, and somehow my hand reached for the 750 calorie HUGE bag of gardettos. I ATE THE ENTIRE BAG. i also ate a bag of freaking cookies (240). I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I started to freak out about the amount of homework I need to do, and how crazy my schedule is going to be with work and school this year, and so i started to shove cookies down my throat. Then i left for work and ate almost the entire bag of gardettos (700 cals). It was scary, I couldn't stop my hand from reaching in the bag and shoving the snack mix into my mouth. After work I went to Jimmy's to have dinner with his parents, and i had a fajita(?) and a skinny cow ice cream bar (100). Today hasn't been a whole lot better. I had a zone bar (210), pb pretzels(300), coffee(50), a nectarine(62), more pretzels(300), nonfat chai latte (200), some cookie dough and two cookies( Jimmy's mom and I made them for him so I can bring them up with me tomorrow, no idea how many calories. ugh.)
No more food for me tonight. I took 2 diet pills about an hour ago so I'm feeling re-energized and I should be set for the evening. Im just going to keep busy. Im going to try to do a ton of homework so I wont have much over the weekend. Hopefully when i weigh myself in the morning the number will at least be down to 120, hopefully 119? I hope, I hope, I hope.
I'll be heavily restricting in Chico this weekend. I didn't make it to 115, so this will be my punishment. I'll write upon return! ciao!
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Still 117 pounds. The number makes me smile, but it also makes me more intent on getting down to 115. Clearly I need to be restricting more. I'm really feeling the effects lately. I'm super tired, light headed, dizzy. But even when I'm feeling all these things, food just does not sound good to me. It just doesn't. I want Jimmy to notice how thin I am. Not that I'm thin, but I want him to be able to tell that I've lost some weight. 105 is a glorious number. I can't fucking wait. It's only 12 pounds away! I will fight to eliminate every one of those pounds. I have until Thursday to be 115 or less. If I'm not, it's safe to say I won't be eating while I'm in chico.
Today's intake:
Coffee + creamer= 50
10 green grapes-30 cals
2 medium peaches-76 cals
Oatmeal with 2 tablespoons brown sugar-240 cals
1 packet animal cookies-240 cals
1/3 cup honey mustard pretzels-140 cals
1/2 left over hopmonk grilled cheese and ham sandwich-Bread(70) 1/2 slice of gruyere(58) 1/2 slice of cheddar(56.5) and about 2 slices of ham(91)= around 280 cals.( I wish I knew exactly but I guess that's the risk you take when you eat at restaurants).
1/6 apple crisp- 240

TOTAL INTAKE: 1,296 cals. Fuck me.
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This morning when I stepped on the scale it said 117.6!! Soaking wet out of the shower 118. Maybe I should say 118 to be safe. But seeing that 117 felt sooooo freaking amazing. I have a new determination. I feel like I really could reach 115 or lower by thursday. But I also feel like my scale is lying to me. Does anyone else feel that way? Like their scale is off or something? I can never really seem to believe the number. Oh well, just have to keep trying harder. I'm never happy for long, no matter what I weigh. I truly feel that if I weighed 105 pounds, I would be happy. And beautiful.
In other news, I qualify for TAG (transfer admission guarantee) so basically this means that as long as I fill put and submit the correct forms I have guaranteed admission into any UC with the exception of UC Berkeley and UCLA. UCSD here I fucking come! God it feels great. But applying to schools is going to be craaaaaazy hectic with my work and school schedule. Either way, Its so exciting to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't fucking wait!
So. 115 or lower by next thursday. It's going to happen. No ifs ands or buts.
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