It's the week after thanksgiving. I didn't eat too much. Well, I ate but I didn't stuff myself per usual. Jimmy was home for over a week. It felt great to spend every day with him. We talked pretty seriously about our future. He asked me to come to chico. I'm considering it, but not too heavily. I definitely feel more independent than ever. He wants to marry me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to marry him too. It would be really hard to stay together if I move to down south... So much to think about in these next few months. I submitted my college applications yesterday! I applied to ucsd ucsb uci cal and csu Chico. The first three are in the bag but we'll have to see about the last two. Pretty sure Chico is in the bag as well. Mom bought a house in Cotati, so we should be moving within the next month or so.
This morning I weighed 118 pounds. WHAT THE FUCK. I didn't even eat that much yesterday. I may be getting my period, because yesterday morning I weighed 114. Ive been 114/115 pretty consistently. I need need need to start working out. I know it would make such a difference. I'm just so tired aft work that I never have the motivation, and then there's always school work waiting at home door me... But these are just excuses. I'm just lazy. And afraid to find out how out of shape I really am. Ive been trying to cut out snacking. I had some grapes yesterday as a snack but that was it. When I look in the mirror I feel just as fat as I did at 130 pounds. I need to get down to 110. from there it's only 5 pounds to 105! I know I can do it. I need to start being militant about it. I'm so ashamed to be 115. I would die if I hit 120 again. I know I'm so fucked at this point. All I think about is food. My mom is constantly nagging me to go to the therapist. And I spilled to Jimmy when he was home this past week. He knows a little about my food issues, but he really realized how out of control it was last week. I wish I wouldn't have said anything. How stupid. Now he's on my ass to go to therapy as well.
I wish I had the will power to completely forget about food. It seems like the more I try to ignore food, the more I obsess over it. I am tired of thinking about, and caring about, food so goddamn much.