Well I suppose I've put this post off long enough. I'm 121 pounds.. And let me tell you, I don't know how the fuck this happened. Literally. I've been eating less than I ever have. The past few days I've gone for run/ seed walks. It makes absolutely no fucking sense. Well, actually I suppose it does. Ive been keeping my blood sugars in normal range, therefor I'm not peeing out 500 calories a day. The doctors told me this would happen if I took control of my health again. It feels great to have my diabetes in control, but I find myself wondering if it's worth gaining weight. How sick and fucked up is that? That is would rather throw away my life than be fat? This really is taking over. I'm so sick of thinking about food all the time. I'm tired of the constant ravenous starvation, and then the inevitable binge at the end of the day. Lately eating just seems like too much work. I just want to be thin. Thin thin thin. That's all I want for christmas. Maybe my body just likes the weight of 120. I would give anything to be back down to 115/114. I'm just going to restrict and exercise heavily until I get there. The hunger pains give me horrible nausea. I wonder if that has to do with my diabetes. Hmm.
Anyway. This week is finals week. I just had my first final, which went okay. My next one is at 10 am, which I will ace. Then I have a final on Wednesday and one on Thursday as well as a paper due Thursday. That'll be a bitch to write. Hopefully those 7 pages will keep me busy enough to keep my mind off of food. Jimmy comes home on Friday for a month! Gah! So excited to see my man :) hopefully he doesn't give me too much shit about needing to go to therapy and eating and whatnot. I'm just going to hide things as best as I can. Were also going to be moving starting this weekend, which means lots of heavy lifting which equals calorie burn and less time to sit around aimlessly eating. I HAVE to lose these 5 pounds. I'm miserable. I can feel the fat dripping off of me. I want to cry just thinking about that god awful number.
I'm going to continue to keep testing my blood sugar regularly, as well as counting my carbs and making regular doctos visits. I'm tired of throwing away my life. I just hope that this weight doesn't stick. I don't know if I could bear that.