I want to cry. I want to cry it all away. I want to lay in bed for a week and cry away every last pound I want to lose. I want to cry away this insanity that is slowly taking over my brain, my life, and my happiness. I want to cry Jimmy away. I wantto cry away our memories, because it would just be easier. I want to cry away this paper that I need to write, that's due on Tuesday. I want to cry away every anxiety about where I'll be living and going to school next year.
I want to be down to 105. I was 119 this morning, 117 when I went to bed but then I ate a bag of cookies to i'm sure it shot back up. I ate fucking mcdonalds with aaron today for lunch. Came home and didn't put my pump back on so that I could make sure I would be able to purge. It came up easily. Didn't eat until 7 after that. But for dinner I ate a lot. I don't want to write it down. More than enough though.
I am feeling ugly, and fat. Very very very fat. I'm ashamed. I'm lonely. I miss him so much. I miss everything about him, yet I'm so so so angry with him. I know this is normal. I must move on. Some days I'm sure that I could care less, but tonight I just want him to be sleeping here with me. I miss the way we sleep. I'm so alone.
I want to be skeletal.