115.6 this morning. I was 116 yesterday morning. I fucking hate being this fat. I seem to fluctuate between 114 and 116 pounds. I've decided to cut out snacks. This morning Ive had:
3 tsp brown sugar-45
27 cheez its- 150
So 400 all together. But it's only 11:30 am.
I got my tattoo yesterday!
"I am the mast if my fate: I am the captain of my soul." on my shoulder blades. It's beautiful. And has so much personal significance for me. It also reminds me that what I eat and what I look like is up to me and only me. This tattoo gives me so much strength.
However, mom took pictures while I was getting the tattoo. I look like a fucking whale. I put the pictures on facebook because I wanted to show people my tattoo but now I look at them and I just feel embarrassed. Not only do I look fucking enormous but I look HIDEOUS. Like really really average and gross. I was tagged in a bunch of pictures from this Halloween weekend too and I looked at those yesterday and almost puked. I'm such a fucking fat ass. I'm so ugly. As I'm typing this I'm sitting in the library and all I want to do is go home and cry.
No wonder he doesn't want me. But fuck him. I'm not even going to say his name. I came to the realization today that I really am moving on. I no longer think about him every single second of the day. I don't know how to feel about this. I know we still love each other. He sent me this adorable email telling me he misses me. But I just can't wait for him.
I have a five to ten page paper to write this weekend, along with a research project to do. I'm also going to go to a uc applications workshop tomorrow morning here at the JC. I have so many things to do. Applications are due at the end of this month. Arrrrrrg. I'm stressing.
No more snacks. Ive got to lose some weight if I just cut out the snacks.
I'm going to have a crystal light right now. Add 20 calories.
I want to go home, sleep, and cry.