1 month post baby:147
GW1(by next thurs): 142
GW2(by 9/18): 137
GW3 (by October): 132
1/3 Maple Scone
In n Out cheeseburger and a handful of fries
A few Cheetos
Six ritz and peanut butter
Coffee and creamer
KIND bar (200 cal)
Pizza 2 1/2 pieces
Glass of lemonade (8oz)
While I was pregnant I feel like whatever this issue I have is took a backseat because what was most important was nourishing my baby. Still there, but less action somehow.
Now the thoughts are louder and I started having them more intensely again. I am breastfeeding and the possibility of my milk supply diminishing due to my poor choices worries me. Nothing is more important than Gavin- I realize this iS
assuming I could stop.
That's all rambling.
Idk what's wrong with me. Idk if I even have an eating disorder. All I know is that I can't stay away on my own free will though I have tried many times and that food and weight and my body are literally 75% of my thoughts.
Tomorrow will be better.
Today has been shitty food wise. I've been getting low blood sugars in the morning, so I gorge myself on calories. Here's the rundown.
I'm going to go for a long walk later. I've been trying to do that.
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Well I suppose I've put this post off long enough. I'm 121 pounds.. And let me tell you, I don't know how the fuck this happened. Literally. I've been eating less than I ever have. The past few days I've gone for run/ seed walks. It makes absolutely no fucking sense. Well, actually I suppose it does. Ive been keeping my blood sugars in normal range, therefor I'm not peeing out 500 calories a day. The doctors told me this would happen if I took control of my health again. It feels great to have my diabetes in control, but I find myself wondering if it's worth gaining weight. How sick and fucked up is that? That is would rather throw away my life than be fat? This really is taking over. I'm so sick of thinking about food all the time. I'm tired of the constant ravenous starvation, and then the inevitable binge at the end of the day. Lately eating just seems like too much work. I just want to be thin. Thin thin thin. That's all I want for christmas. Maybe my body just likes the weight of 120. I would give anything to be back down to 115/114. I'm just going to restrict and exercise heavily until I get there. The hunger pains give me horrible nausea. I wonder if that has to do with my diabetes. Hmm.
Anyway. This week is finals week. I just had my first final, which went okay. My next one is at 10 am, which I will ace. Then I have a final on Wednesday and one on Thursday as well as a paper due Thursday. That'll be a bitch to write. Hopefully those 7 pages will keep me busy enough to keep my mind off of food. Jimmy comes home on Friday for a month! Gah! So excited to see my man :) hopefully he doesn't give me too much shit about needing to go to therapy and eating and whatnot. I'm just going to hide things as best as I can. Were also going to be moving starting this weekend, which means lots of heavy lifting which equals calorie burn and less time to sit around aimlessly eating. I HAVE to lose these 5 pounds. I'm miserable. I can feel the fat dripping off of me. I want to cry just thinking about that god awful number.
I'm going to continue to keep testing my blood sugar regularly, as well as counting my carbs and making regular doctos visits. I'm tired of throwing away my life. I just hope that this weight doesn't stick. I don't know if I could bear that.
It's the week after thanksgiving. I didn't eat too much. Well, I ate but I didn't stuff myself per usual. Jimmy was home for over a week. It felt great to spend every day with him. We talked pretty seriously about our future. He asked me to come to chico. I'm considering it, but not too heavily. I definitely feel more independent than ever. He wants to marry me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to marry him too. It would be really hard to stay together if I move to down south... So much to think about in these next few months. I submitted my college applications yesterday! I applied to ucsd ucsb uci cal and csu Chico. The first three are in the bag but we'll have to see about the last two. Pretty sure Chico is in the bag as well. Mom bought a house in Cotati, so we should be moving within the next month or so.
This morning I weighed 118 pounds. WHAT THE FUCK. I didn't even eat that much yesterday. I may be getting my period, because yesterday morning I weighed 114. Ive been 114/115 pretty consistently. I need need need to start working out. I know it would make such a difference. I'm just so tired aft work that I never have the motivation, and then there's always school work waiting at home door me... But these are just excuses. I'm just lazy. And afraid to find out how out of shape I really am. Ive been trying to cut out snacking. I had some grapes yesterday as a snack but that was it. When I look in the mirror I feel just as fat as I did at 130 pounds. I need to get down to 110. from there it's only 5 pounds to 105! I know I can do it. I need to start being militant about it. I'm so ashamed to be 115. I would die if I hit 120 again. I know I'm so fucked at this point. All I think about is food. My mom is constantly nagging me to go to the therapist. And I spilled to Jimmy when he was home this past week. He knows a little about my food issues, but he really realized how out of control it was last week. I wish I wouldn't have said anything. How stupid. Now he's on my ass to go to therapy as well.
I wish I had the will power to completely forget about food. It seems like the more I try to ignore food, the more I obsess over it. I am tired of thinking about, and caring about, food so goddamn much.
Back to 115. God I almost wish I were still sick. Seeing 109.4 was maybe the greatest feeling in the world. I am determined to get back there. Its becoming very clear to me that 115 is the weight at which my body is most comfortable, naturally. So now it's time to push it past that comfort zone. I'm reading Portia de Rossi's new book Unbearable Lightness. It's a good motivational read. I can relate to a lot of the neurotic thoughts she writes about. I'm going to consistently use my new food journal. Every calorie will be counted and logged in that book. I'm hoping this will make me fee a stronger sense of accountability. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Class till 12 and then I meet with a councilor at 2 to discuss uc applications and some other questions about transferring. Between 12 and 2 I'm going to write my critiques for philosophy, and then after my appointment at 2 I have to work at 4:30 till 7:30. Then it's back home to start my personal statement and maybe study for my impending statistics test on thursday. Applications are due on the 30 of this month and I am stressing out. I feel like I'm so busy lately, it's a miracle I find time to stuff my face with food. Imagine all the things I could be doing with the time that I'm busy consuming mass quantities of calories!! The rest of my week will be as busy as tomorrow. I have a math test and a final draft of a paper due on Thursday. Jimmy is coming home Thursday for a week or so. I'm pretty excited, yet very cautious. We have been communicating much more recently, lots of "I love you's" and " I miss you's" have been exchanged. We will see what happens.... I'm just hoping I can stay busy enough till then to lose at least a pound or two!
Thin thin thin thin.
I am 109.4 this morning. Ive been pretty sick the last few days, haven't been eating much. What I did eat last night I purged. I love the feeling when everything is out. When all the food is no longer bloating you and clogging the shit out of your arteries. I am very sick, in the body and in the head. This disorder is beginning to take over. I don't know if I'm scared. I don't have many feelings lately. I just want to be 105. Thats only four pounds away. However, I am beginning to realize that even then, the number on the scale won't be good enough. I don't want this to eat my soul. 109.4. Wow.
I want to cry. I want to cry it all away. I want to lay in bed for a week and cry away every last pound I want to lose. I want to cry away this insanity that is slowly taking over my brain, my life, and my happiness. I want to cry Jimmy away. I wantto cry away our memories, because it would just be easier. I want to cry away this paper that I need to write, that's due on Tuesday. I want to cry away every anxiety about where I'll be living and going to school next year.
I want to be down to 105. I was 119 this morning, 117 when I went to bed but then I ate a bag of cookies to i'm sure it shot back up. I ate fucking mcdonalds with aaron today for lunch. Came home and didn't put my pump back on so that I could make sure I would be able to purge. It came up easily. Didn't eat until 7 after that. But for dinner I ate a lot. I don't want to write it down. More than enough though.
I am feeling ugly, and fat. Very very very fat. I'm ashamed. I'm lonely. I miss him so much. I miss everything about him, yet I'm so so so angry with him. I know this is normal. I must move on. Some days I'm sure that I could care less, but tonight I just want him to be sleeping here with me. I miss the way we sleep. I'm so alone.
I want to be skeletal.
115.6 this morning. I was 116 yesterday morning. I fucking hate being this fat. I seem to fluctuate between 114 and 116 pounds. I've decided to cut out snacks. This morning Ive had:
3 tsp brown sugar-45
27 cheez its- 150
So 400 all together. But it's only 11:30 am.
I got my tattoo yesterday!
"I am the mast if my fate: I am the captain of my soul." on my shoulder blades. It's beautiful. And has so much personal significance for me. It also reminds me that what I eat and what I look like is up to me and only me. This tattoo gives me so much strength.
However, mom took pictures while I was getting the tattoo. I look like a fucking whale. I put the pictures on facebook because I wanted to show people my tattoo but now I look at them and I just feel embarrassed. Not only do I look fucking enormous but I look HIDEOUS. Like really really average and gross. I was tagged in a bunch of pictures from this Halloween weekend too and I looked at those yesterday and almost puked. I'm such a fucking fat ass. I'm so ugly. As I'm typing this I'm sitting in the library and all I want to do is go home and cry.
No wonder he doesn't want me. But fuck him. I'm not even going to say his name. I came to the realization today that I really am moving on. I no longer think about him every single second of the day. I don't know how to feel about this. I know we still love each other. He sent me this adorable email telling me he misses me. But I just can't wait for him.
I have a five to ten page paper to write this weekend, along with a research project to do. I'm also going to go to a uc applications workshop tomorrow morning here at the JC. I have so many things to do. Applications are due at the end of this month. Arrrrrrg. I'm stressing.
No more snacks. Ive got to lose some weight if I just cut out the snacks.
I'm going to have a crystal light right now. Add 20 calories.
I want to go home, sleep, and cry.
Weighed in at 114.6 this morning. Thank GOD. The past week I had been in the 118 to 121 range. Fucking foul, I know. I don't know why. I suppose I had been hanging around at home more which equals boredom which leads to binging. This morning I had a bagel and a tablespoon of butter which came out to 380 calories. And I just ate a freaking plain glazed donut. Definitely should not have indulged, but I must say that it tasted AMAZING. I'll just have to keep it low for the rest of the day. I had two anthro tests this morning, lab and lecture. I was worried I hadn't studied enough, but I think I did pretty well actually. One more class and then home to start on the mountain of homework I have for tomorrow, and to start the philosophy paper that's due on Thursday. I feel like school is majorly stressing me out at the moment. Plus uc and csu apps are due at the end of the month, along with my personal statements.
Halloween weekend was eh. I went out Saturday night with some girls which ended up being really fun. We got into a bar. I got shit faced. Fucked up my leg pretty bad. So many bruises all over my body. Ha. What's new. Did blow on Thursday night. Again, what's new. I think I'm done with blow for the moment. I'm tired of wasting the money. I need to start saving.
In other news, I'm getting my tattoo on Wednesday! I'm so excited, and so nervous. I hope it turns out beautifully.
Moving up in life takes serious effort. I need to figure out a concrete plan. Money motivated.
Tuesday, wednesday, and today have been a fail. Ive been eating everything in sight. Slight exaggeration but still. This morning I was 116.8 I think. I'm tired of weighing myself a million times a day. It's totally pointless. The only time it matters is first thing in the morning. I should only weigh then. From now on that's what I'll do.
I had a stats test this week, on tuesday. I don't feel good about it. I didn't know pretty much anything on the entire first part. I'll probably get a C. This gives me major anxiety. I feel like I'm turning into such a perfectionist. I hate even getting B's. I'm sure I have A's in all of my other classes. I know I do. This stats class is obviously going to require some extra study time.
Jimmy comes home tomorrow. He called me this afternoon. I haven't been contacting him since everything last weekend. It was amazing. But I can feel how little I trust him. I feel that I have the upper hand right now. And I like it that way. He was planning on coming home Saturday, but I told him that I thought he should come home tomorrow and he was immediately like ok, I might. But under no circumstances will I contact him first. I am just fine with or without him. I'm starting to really believe that.
I've been doing a lot of blow lately. Like every weekend. I love the way it stops my appetite in it's tracks. I literally struggle to eat the days after I do it. I'll probably do some tonight. I feel guilty, but now too guilty. Being single affords me that ease of mind. It's nice.
I feel bloated. I've been snacking on junk all day. I'm on my period, which of course makes me crave every single high calorie food in the universe. Which is why I can't wait to get off of work so I get a line and a drink in me.
I'm fucked up. And I like it that way.