Sleeping On A Cloud

one banana-80 cals
pb&j-482
all together- 562 cals so far.

i hate myself.
will weigh later.

yesterday was AMAZING.

my blood sugars have been in normal range and im feeling like a completely different person.

but ANYWAY.... heres my story:

yesterday rex took me to punch to get some new clothes. well, i tried on a pair of citizens and theyre a 27 and they fit me, like, PERFECTLY. thats what, a size 4? and i definitely could have fit in a 26, just a little tight.

it made me so stoked.
and looking in the mirror lately i like what i see!
im worried though because it was really easy for me to not eat when i was sick but now that im not sick anymore and my blood sugars are normal, am i going to get fat??
ive never been very good at restricting because usually the hunger pains get so horrible and i just give in. and diet pills make me too shaky and jittery.

fucking a. i really hope i dont gain. i love the way i look right now.
at the doctors office the scale said i was 120 with clothes and everything on, however the scale at home said something like 110, with nothing on.

im finally feeling confident, and i DESPERATELY hope that i can keep my appetite under control.
its embarassing when i go through phases where i eat ALL THE TIME. like, im sure my friends and torin notice and think im disgusting.
thats it for now.
crossing my fingers.
xx

oh my. i havnt blogged on here in quite sometime, but i find it easier to write on the computer instead of with pe and paper and my hands get all crampy.

sooo... ive started the junior college. i was taking four classes, now three this semester because my art class was horrid. im taking english 1A, visual merchandising, and sociology. i like all my classes! however next semester im going to talk to a councelor and find out which classes would be beneficial for me to take before entering FIDM.
ive been in the icu for the past week, so i missed my midterms, so im pretty stressed about trying to catch up. ill find a way though. my main priority is school and taking care of my body. i cant deny this disease anymore, and im very lucky that theres a way to treat it.

my parents( my mom and stepdad) are getting a divorce, so that really blows, and my mom is so desperately sad. its devastating.

i feel like i dont have very many friends right now, and i need to start working on that. i need tp put myself out there and meet new people! ill talk to dr. kaye about that. seeing him regularly (once a week) has really helped, and im so thankful for his support and advice.

i really want to live a beautiful, comfortable life. its the steps i need to take to get there that are stressing me out.

my mother has always pampered me, and ive always been able to get out of anything that i didnt like, so its really scary to all of a sudden be thrust into this new world where i dont have a way out, unless i want to be a bum. ive got to work hard to get the grades. and when im better i need to find a job. its just all coming at me so fast.

but im going to keep trying to pick myself up when i fall. its the best i can do :]

so my cw is 120. but i didnt actually do anything to lose.
those five pounds must have been water weight.

im feeling pretty low today.
but im about to go take 2 diet pills, so that should get me nice and hyper.

maybe do some cleaning around the house.
i also have to go grocery shopping. ive been getting these yoplait light yogurts, and theyre really good, only 100 calories. im gunna check out the WASA crackers too, i heard they have lots of fiber, and theres only 100 cals in five of them.

they probably taste like shit.
on a different note, im having a harder time getting over my ex than i thought. i have an amazing new boyfriend, yet i still miss him. i dont know. hes totally over it, which kills me. he has some new girlfriend.
i know im cuter than her, but sometimes i still have my doubts.

on the plus side shes pretty chubby. :)

idk what to do with myself.
ill post again in a little while when im happier.
peace&love

plan for the night:

go speed walking

do a substantial amount of homework

finish laundry

clean room thoroughly

make tea, drink lots

oh god. i just had two very large croissants totaling at 544 calories and 28.2 grams of fat. i purged it, but i dont know if i got all of it. ugh i feel horrible, but it always makes me feel better to get it out. everyday i become increasingly disgusted by how chubby i feel. its like i dont have any other feelings anymore other than just "fat". every five seconds im sad and saying "ugh i just feel so fat." like, hello? it feels so much better to just be in control of what goes into my body. its the hunger pains that get me everytime. ill be feeling fine, not too hungry, but then those hunger pains hit and all of a sudden im ravenous, and i, like, cant control my self... i just eat amd eat and eat. my thoughts everyday are consumed by food, and when im eating next. plans with my friends revolve around what were going to go eat. anytime i do hang out with friends, thats basically all there is to do. its like i can never get away from the thought of food. its wierd, i dont understand how some people can just NOT EAT. i try so often and i always end up eating at least a little. i wonder what it would be like to not have your thoughts consumed by food every single second of every single day. i dont want to purge anymore. i just want to NOT BE OBSESSED WITH FOOD SO THAT I CAN FORGET ABOUT IT AND JUST STOP EATING!!! and then i can loose some fucking weight finally.im stuck at 115. its so annoying being healthy. like, everyone comments in my friends, like oh your so skinny, wow thats unhealthy looking, but then they see me and theyre like youre not fat at all youre healthy. fuck healthy dog. im tired of being healthy looking. i want to be fucking tiny. im going to be tiny. im not letting food rule my life anymore. im so DONE with it.but i dont know how to stay away from it. its everywhere! but im going to try... and anything that goes in my mouth is going to be purged. end of story. i have no choice.

ugh ive fallen significantly far off of the path

im still 115 but thats the depressing part. im eating all the time, normally, consuming billions of calories and fat grams... so im not losing anything.

on top of that i have no motivation to work out.
im such a lazy ass god this is so frusterating.
i can never just be perfect, tiny, tidy, organized, frail.

that is what i want and god i want it so badly but i can never seem to get my shit together.

ugh im going to go drink a bottle of crystal light and do some situps and leg lifts.

so far today ive had a fourth of a bag of avocado chips, a luna bar, and two eggos with butter and syrup.
two of my best friends are so freakin skinny its amazing. they dont even try which makes me so frusterated.
its definetly amazing thinspo, and it keeps me thinking about my body every second.
and i miss my wrist bones and hip bones popping out. and my clavicle. those are my favorite bones for sure.
this shit consumes my entire life, my god, but i dont know what i would do with myself without it.

fruits
vegetables
water
diet coke
tea
starbucks
thats it.
i will stick to it this time.
starting tomorrow i WILL feel the relief and confidence of hunger.
i WILL.

i havnt posted in like five weeks and so much has happened its crazy.
i found out that my bf cheated on me but eventually i took him back.
the night that i found out i ODed on ambien and lorazepam.
my grades are shitty.
it was my one year aniiversary yesterday and i got suspended for three days becasue i got in a fight with a big ass mexican bitch.
my weight continues to go up...im between 115 and 120 all the time.
i have no self control and i feel like i cant take control of anything in my life right now. everything is just going so very terribly wrong.
i need to just stop eating as much and exercise more. its pretty fucking simple.
im so fucking pathetic.
i should have just let myself die when i ODed.

i had a doctors appt in the city.
everything went well.
ive lost a pound and grown a 1/4th an inch.
today i ate half a toasted plain bagel with cream cheese...
and in n out: a grilled cheese witgh lettuce and tomato...and an order of fries, and a milkshake(strawberry).
milkshake:690
fries:400
cheesburger no patty:480
total in n out binge:1570
what. the. fuck.

so i havnt posted in like 5 days.
i have spun into a downward spiral of depression.
i hate everything about myself and my life and all i do is bitch and im so tired of bitching.
most people would just stop bitching but thats the only way i feel any sort of relief.
but then i end up bitching at my boyfriend or my mom or my friends and it ends up hurting them and we get into a huge fight.....
on top of that ive been taking my insulin and i swear its making it physically impossible to get down to even 110. im stuck at 115. its so gross..... and ive been trying not to eat as much.
there again i never exercise because i hate it.
i just need to get my shit under control.
my grades, my health, my weight, my exercise, and my moods. and my aweful relationship with my bf.
sometimes i think that if i werent with him it would be so much easier for me to lose weight... and just all around be less stressed.
but i love him so much. he is literally like a drug.
i cant stay away from him.
<3

so im pretty sure the subject line says it all. bobbie decided he wanted to stay together last night and now he "wants his space" again. i cant take how he just thrashes around my emotions anymore. its aweful the way he makes me feel. i just hate myself so much right now. i feel like i need to just get away from everyone and school and my family for a day or two. i just cant handle evrything. i cut myself last night. actually im a pussy and i just scratched my arms with a knife. it was so pathetic and emotastic. no satisfaction whatsoever. haha. i dont get how people get off on that shit. well tomorrow is a night with the girls and we have some interesting things planned. yesssss. im just going to try super hard to stay away from HIM.
the only bright side of being depressed 24/7 is that i have basically no appetite.
<3 like i said. 10 lbs in two weeks. hopefully.

fuck my EX.
now im just going on a solo death mish.
loosing at least 10 lbs by two weeks.
<3

ugggg. its raining. and my hair straightener is broken.
great.
and i have been eating. today i had: starbucks peppermint mocha, hellllaaaa werthers hard caramels, half a pb&j, some ritz cheese sandwhich crackers, like 6 rice cakes, and a dove milk chocolate bar.
I AM OFFICIALY A HUGE FAT ASS.
why cant i just, like, not have an appetite. that would be awesome.
i have really bad cramps and ive gotten my period twice this month. ugh.
and i am, once again, procrastinating on my hw.
so im going to make a plan for the rest of the day:
look at some thinspo, get off the computer, do some hw, listen to john legend and read some magazines that i need to catch up on, clean/ organize my room a little, do some excercises, then just chill.
i did get my nails done today! that was chillin.
lattteeerrr.
<3

the mall was aweful.
my friend hailey got all worried when i said that i didnt want to get a wetzels pretzel(theyre my favorite) so i gave in and ate one. now i feel fat, disgusting, and bloated. plus i ate like 7 bites of her subway sandwich before we left the house and some apple slices.
um way too much. i feel physically sick thinking about it. i feel like im gunna puke. which would probably be good. ugh and then hailey was trying on these x small shirts in express and mine were only a small. i was so jealous. but i wore heels and they made me look a little taller( anything is an improvement on my five feet two inches) and leaner. still at between 115 and 120 i need to start getting serious. no more food tonight (maybe an energy bar). only tea and water.
if i could only lose weight, everything would be better. i would stress less. people would be jealous looking at me in my size 0 pants. guys would be afraid to break me. everyone will gossip about how i lost it, and how skinny i am.
ill be in everyones thoughts.
if only if only if only.
but i WILL get there.
off to look at thinspo read new posts and then history and math hw. i have to stop procrastinating.
<3

goodmorning!
today ive eaten 4 graham crackers(260 calories) and a cup of green tea.
im feeling pretty stable, not too hungry.
im going to the mall with my ridiculously skinny friend hailey today so that should be some major thinspiration for me.
im not loosing any weight. probably becasue i dont exercise like, at all. wtf im so LAZY. tonight im going to do 200 crunches, some leglifts, some squats, some "butt-ups", and maybe some pushups (girlie style).
so today should be an eventful day. im gunna go look at some thinspo to kick the day off right and then im going to go get ready for the day.
<3 thinthinthinthinthinthin

ohhh myyyy goddddd.
my calorie total for today so far is 1440 fucking calories. that is a horrifying binge session.
wtf.
once again...another day of total demotivation.
but my boyfriend is coming over at 6:15.
so that should be fun.
movies etc.
i thought i was going to do well today.
the 2468 diet:
There's a diet, commonly called 2468 where you eat 200 calories one day, 400 calories the next, 600 after that, and 800 for the last day, then the cycle repeats.

trying this starting tommorrow.
<3

sooooooo....
today i went back to school after being gone 2 days.
i looked cute but it was the first rain of the season so i pretty much had my hood on all day.
this morning started off really good.
i had a can of enviga(5 cals), then a luna bar(180 cals).=185 cals.
but then at break i was superrr shaky and like, my body just took control and i bought a FUCKING PIZZA BAGEL WITH CREAM CHEESE. and didnt even look at the cals on the cream cheese. wtf was i thinking.
ohhhh but it gets better.
so then...i come home and eat a bowl of cereal with nonfat milk( probably waayyy to many cals to even think about) plus 5 graham crackers with peanut butter.(320+ however much peanut buter).
i am such a fat ass. no control weak piece of shit fat ass.
im currently obsessed with hips, legs, and ass.
thinspo:








jesus theyre beautiful.
theyre hip bones are all gorgeous...
<3 off to take a shower then ill post again with todays cal total SO FAR.

ENNNVVVIIGGGAAAA

damn i love this stuff.
it gives me wayyy more energy than any other energy drinks have. plus its only 5 cals a can.
i went out and bought 3 more a bit ago.
i am determined to eat better tommorrow.
determined i tell you!
plus i havnt been to school in 2 days so i feel the need to look damn good tommorrow.
idk why but i always feel that way after a "leave of abscense".
i need to stop posting so much.
and fuck my boyfriend.
weenie.

the subject line says it all.
i didnt eat again until 2.
but then:
i ate 5 graham crackers with peanut butter, a whole bag of popcorn drenched in butter and salt, a 7-11 slurpee, and some rice cakes.
it was horrifying.
the one time i actually hold out without eating for a while and i blow it all. this is the kinda shit that totally demotivates me. it makes me think"fuck it, i screwed up all ready fuck the rest of the day ill start over tomorrow.
i am a royal fuckup.
on top of that my boyfriend is a jerkoff and on top of that i still havnt done my history hw and i have to find a good excuse to call in sick tommorrow and im sure all of my wonderfully bitchy coworkers will talk shit about me all day tommorrow. lovely. its chill cuz im quitting though.
yesss.
oh geez.
ill post again when i have positive things to say.